A friend of mine committed suicide on Monday, October 19th. I am still in shock, and all I do is cry and lie around. I can't believe this. His death has brought to light many things. One of the things is that you gotta be nice to people, you never know what demons they are facing. Bob, he must have had deep secrets, because he is one of the last people I'd ever think to do this. It still means tread gently with everyone, you never know what they are facing. That is teaching me so much. I need to be the best person I can be. I need to treat people a lot better, and have more patience. Life's short, you can't waste your time angry and mean. At the same time, you gotta live it up. You have one life, you gotta live for real and do the things you are afraid to do. Quotes from Saw coming up here, but a lot of us are lucky that we don't have a timer on when our death will be, we have the luxury of not knowing, while a lot of people don't have that luxury.
Just so much on my mind. But at the same time it brings me so much inspiration. Atleast through death we can learn to celebrate life. I just gotta start livin'.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Feeling icky.
So, I am feeling real sick lately, I hate it, but that's really not what this post is about. So I honestly don't feel right here. I love Mizzou, but for some reason I don't feel like I have had a fresh start. I know this sounds very trivial, but I am always the one that has to initiate to someone to do something. It almost feels like I never am the one being asked, and I know that sounds ridiculous, and I know it is, but I can't help but like why am I the one that always has to do that? I could sit in my room all day, and not have one person ask me to hang out, or go to lunch/dinner. It's just kind of disheartening. I traded one thing for another. Back in STL it was the same way, I always had to do the initiating. Ugh.
Monday, October 5, 2009
A proactive stance.
I was sitting in class and realized I have to take a pro-active stance in making this change. Here is one thing I was thinking of.
"No hables de alguien si no lo puedes decir a su cara." which translates to Don't talk about someone if you can't say it to their face.
I think that's one thing I need to start living by. So if someone is talking about someone, I should not join in unless I can say what I said to that person's face. I think that will keep my in check on the gossiping. I guess that's step one to make a change.
"No hables de alguien si no lo puedes decir a su cara." which translates to Don't talk about someone if you can't say it to their face.
I think that's one thing I need to start living by. So if someone is talking about someone, I should not join in unless I can say what I said to that person's face. I think that will keep my in check on the gossiping. I guess that's step one to make a change.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
A change
So I don't know what to do now. I think I have dug myself in way too deep. I really fucked up my time here right now. I really just want to cry at this point. The emotional toll is too much for me. My life right now is out of control. So my room request may not be processed for another month, and I can't stand to be in the same room as this kid. This has really been our only fight as roommates, I've known him before, and there was more drama way back when also, but now I just flat out don't like the kid. Everything about him drives me nuts, and I can't stand it, it affects my well-being. I guess now you could say that this is my problem. Now here is where I am getting very dissappointed and this is what really shakes my day is that now I have to take responsiblity for my part in this, since apparently it is my problem. I admit I tend to gossip, and yet I say I hate drama. I really did this to myself, and I should have known better, but I guess it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way. I just am really disappointed in myself.
It has now gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable in my own room. I look for any reason to leave it, and that's when you know it is a problem. I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown of emotion. I really just can't do this anymore. I really want to stop chatting about people, I just need to get my head on right because this is starting to affect my studying. I just am emotionally exhausted, and this stress is to the max. Oh man, I really did it to myself this time. My saving grace through this entire thing has been my mom, my sister Laura, and this guy I have been hanging out with, Trevor. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it hurts, it is crushing me. This is one lesson that has kicked my ass in. I really don't know what to do. I am at a loss, I am on my knees begging for some kind of answer, what did I do?! I am trying to get over everything that has happened this week, the disrespect in this entire situation, on both sides. I am trying to be as equal as I can be. Then to straight up lie to me about some stuff, that's just, blah.
What I really need to do I think, and my mother told me this, is that I have to really start concentrating on myself rather than on everyone else. I just don't know where to start with that. I really don't know where. It would be nice to be able to cancel my rooming contract with the university and go find myself an apartment, I think that'd be much better for me than anything. I was looking so forward to this entire experience, and I still am I realize it's still early in my experience, but just from this touch of experience, I can say that I hate dorm life. I guess that really sucks to say because I had all these pre-conceived notions about everything, that it would be a walk in the park. I guess I am sad because I had everything to an expectation, and it didn't turn out how I thought it would. Man, that really sucks to say. I love Mizzou, it's a great time, some things I do not like, but other things I really do. As far as dorm life, just I don't know. I'd much rather be in an apartment.
All I know for right now, is I just need to start growing up. I can't afford to be apart of this gossip, and drama. It is affecting my well-being too much. Another thing that just really sucks, and I hate admitting, because I thought college was all daisy's and roses, but it's harder than I thought. Like, 10,000 x harder than I thought. I just want this drama to be gone, and my life to be simpler, but I just made it so much harder on myself. My oh my, what did I do.
I need help!
It has now gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable in my own room. I look for any reason to leave it, and that's when you know it is a problem. I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown of emotion. I really just can't do this anymore. I really want to stop chatting about people, I just need to get my head on right because this is starting to affect my studying. I just am emotionally exhausted, and this stress is to the max. Oh man, I really did it to myself this time. My saving grace through this entire thing has been my mom, my sister Laura, and this guy I have been hanging out with, Trevor. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it hurts, it is crushing me. This is one lesson that has kicked my ass in. I really don't know what to do. I am at a loss, I am on my knees begging for some kind of answer, what did I do?! I am trying to get over everything that has happened this week, the disrespect in this entire situation, on both sides. I am trying to be as equal as I can be. Then to straight up lie to me about some stuff, that's just, blah.
What I really need to do I think, and my mother told me this, is that I have to really start concentrating on myself rather than on everyone else. I just don't know where to start with that. I really don't know where. It would be nice to be able to cancel my rooming contract with the university and go find myself an apartment, I think that'd be much better for me than anything. I was looking so forward to this entire experience, and I still am I realize it's still early in my experience, but just from this touch of experience, I can say that I hate dorm life. I guess that really sucks to say because I had all these pre-conceived notions about everything, that it would be a walk in the park. I guess I am sad because I had everything to an expectation, and it didn't turn out how I thought it would. Man, that really sucks to say. I love Mizzou, it's a great time, some things I do not like, but other things I really do. As far as dorm life, just I don't know. I'd much rather be in an apartment.
All I know for right now, is I just need to start growing up. I can't afford to be apart of this gossip, and drama. It is affecting my well-being too much. Another thing that just really sucks, and I hate admitting, because I thought college was all daisy's and roses, but it's harder than I thought. Like, 10,000 x harder than I thought. I just want this drama to be gone, and my life to be simpler, but I just made it so much harder on myself. My oh my, what did I do.
I need help!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My immortal...
So life I am going through my natural emotional depressing states. It's cloudy, and it's getting colder. I love the fall, but what it symolizes, and what it leads to is so rough for me. My Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in and I become very very depressed. A lot of drama is going down in my life right now, and I have no idea what to do with it. So here is a part of what is happening in my life, hopefully you can understand, because it can be difficult to explain in words.
I dated a guy for a little bit, and we ended up having unprotected sex (I topped, and no worries I am clean, I would never put someone's life in danger). He was drunk when this happened, but told me he was completely fine. I tried to get him to go to bed, but he was physically putting me inside him, I realize that the solution was to throw him out of the room, or for me to leave the room, but it happened. He let out a string of nasty text messages to me, saying how could I do this to him, and that he probably has something, rah rah rah. He said he was incoherent, yet he told me he was fine, and the reason why I believed him this time was because every other time I tried to tell him otherwise, he'd start yelling at me. So what happened, happened. Now here is where it gets interesting. He hated my roommate, my roommate is gay by the way, but never really talked to him, because no one on my floor likes my roommate, including me. Well he started hanging out with my roommate, and my roommate knew I was with this guy before. Well, last night, they end up having sex on the top bunk, playing around, and what not, while i'm lying there, sitting in disbelief that someone could be so......hurtful. I've been trying to be the bigger person, and I'm trying my hardest, but I just don't get how people could sink this low. So now I have to deal with that. Here is some other stuff which may sound trivial, but it is a very uncomfortable feeling.
Today, in one of my introduction classes, we had to do an exploration of majors and careers. I already had a plan with what major I was going to have, and what I wanted to do, well we had to sit down and write out some careers that we have always wanted to do even as a child, and of course limit them to about 10. I looked at my list, and I just had the most uncomfortable feeling. I now have no idea what I want to do anymore, like I don't get it, how can I go from having all this stuff planned out to now having no clue. I am trying to make a schedule for next semester, but I just don't know what to do, and I want to take all these classes, but it cost money, and I don't have money. I didn't get any scholarships, and I don't believe I qualified for any government aid. I don't get it, I really don't. I have a pretty interesting story, and yet no compensation for that?! No government aid!? Are you serious?!
I really want to go back to Europe and just start over. I love Mizzou, but not this drama. This life stuff is just ridiculously hard.
I dated a guy for a little bit, and we ended up having unprotected sex (I topped, and no worries I am clean, I would never put someone's life in danger). He was drunk when this happened, but told me he was completely fine. I tried to get him to go to bed, but he was physically putting me inside him, I realize that the solution was to throw him out of the room, or for me to leave the room, but it happened. He let out a string of nasty text messages to me, saying how could I do this to him, and that he probably has something, rah rah rah. He said he was incoherent, yet he told me he was fine, and the reason why I believed him this time was because every other time I tried to tell him otherwise, he'd start yelling at me. So what happened, happened. Now here is where it gets interesting. He hated my roommate, my roommate is gay by the way, but never really talked to him, because no one on my floor likes my roommate, including me. Well he started hanging out with my roommate, and my roommate knew I was with this guy before. Well, last night, they end up having sex on the top bunk, playing around, and what not, while i'm lying there, sitting in disbelief that someone could be so......hurtful. I've been trying to be the bigger person, and I'm trying my hardest, but I just don't get how people could sink this low. So now I have to deal with that. Here is some other stuff which may sound trivial, but it is a very uncomfortable feeling.
Today, in one of my introduction classes, we had to do an exploration of majors and careers. I already had a plan with what major I was going to have, and what I wanted to do, well we had to sit down and write out some careers that we have always wanted to do even as a child, and of course limit them to about 10. I looked at my list, and I just had the most uncomfortable feeling. I now have no idea what I want to do anymore, like I don't get it, how can I go from having all this stuff planned out to now having no clue. I am trying to make a schedule for next semester, but I just don't know what to do, and I want to take all these classes, but it cost money, and I don't have money. I didn't get any scholarships, and I don't believe I qualified for any government aid. I don't get it, I really don't. I have a pretty interesting story, and yet no compensation for that?! No government aid!? Are you serious?!
I really want to go back to Europe and just start over. I love Mizzou, but not this drama. This life stuff is just ridiculously hard.
Monday, September 28, 2009
When the Sand Runs Out...
It has been such a long time since I have last blogged. Well now I have been in college for almost two months. This is such a big change for me. Like I remember I longed to be in college, and I love it, but it's tougher than I thought. It's kind of crazy. The work load and what not, and the financial end, relationships with people, just living in general is tougher than I thought. I just have been in so much drama lately it is unbearable. I thought I would have been out of drama, but no. So lately I have been just wanting a change in my life. In me really. I am not really happy with me to be honest. There are some parts of me I do like, and other parts I don't like. I love this change in my life (college), but now the person must change, and that's me. Like I am a little lost really, okay no, I am completely lost. I know where I want to go as far as my major, and what I want to kind of do after that, but I mean like me as a person. Like just thinking about it makes me tear up, I really am lost. I have no money (like every other college kid here), classes are more difficult than I thought which occupy alot of my time, friendships can be tough too, and then dating with guys. Apparently I already have a reputation in this city, and I hate that. I really do. Like it's not a big reputation, but just a few people know of me.
I had this image in my mind that I could be a diferent person here, and be out of the drama. I'd be the guy you'd see at the gym, to himself a little bit, socializes a bit, very mature. Yet that didn't really happen. My time at the gym is very limited, I was caught up in so much drama over the summer and part of the year so far, I have been socializing the hell out of myself for the first couple weeks of school, I just partied way too hard, and a chunk of the time, I haven't been very mature. How stupid could I be! Ugh! What did I dig myself into? I really want to start over, and I really do believe in second chances, I just don't know where to start with my life. I also need to get back on track with school. I only have 3.2 gpa right now, which I'm not really used to at all. I have an A, A, B, and a C then I am taking these couple other classes which I don't have grades in yet, so a total of 14 hours, but next semester will be incredibly hard too, I think I'll be taking 16 or 17 hours next semester. There is just so much to do in such little time. I remember when days dragged on in high school, but here everyday just zips right on by. There's just not enough time in a day to get everything done, and it is all about time management, I know. It is just hard to be able to do it. I haven't really gotten the hang of it, and it may take some trial-and-error, but I just hope to figure it out fast, so I do not feel so disorganized and lost.
Okay, back to what I was saying about feeling just completely down. I just feel like I am not a good person. I just don't even know what I am, but for the most part I just am not happy with myself. I had developed a bad drinking habit (which I am currently working on), I've slept around a bit, I can't hold a relationship, I have had a lack of sleep for the past two months, my money is almost gone and have no clue how to start a budget, my room is kind of a mess right now with no time to reorganize and do everything, and I have been trying my best to keep up with my physical and mental health, but it just gets difficult to do. I do admit, on a brighter note, today was one gorgeous day that raised my spirits. It was about 68 degrees all day, with a cool breeze, and clear blue sunny skies, and the leaves changing. It was like a scene from a movie, I loved it, for a second I could actually breathe. I think that's what I just need to do is breathe start with small things. Now it's just doing it.
Any advice from anyone would be fantastic and much appreciated. Sorry I haven't blogged in so long, I just haven't been able to organize my thoughts, and find much time to do it. Looking forward to some of your feedback!
-Tim-
I had this image in my mind that I could be a diferent person here, and be out of the drama. I'd be the guy you'd see at the gym, to himself a little bit, socializes a bit, very mature. Yet that didn't really happen. My time at the gym is very limited, I was caught up in so much drama over the summer and part of the year so far, I have been socializing the hell out of myself for the first couple weeks of school, I just partied way too hard, and a chunk of the time, I haven't been very mature. How stupid could I be! Ugh! What did I dig myself into? I really want to start over, and I really do believe in second chances, I just don't know where to start with my life. I also need to get back on track with school. I only have 3.2 gpa right now, which I'm not really used to at all. I have an A, A, B, and a C then I am taking these couple other classes which I don't have grades in yet, so a total of 14 hours, but next semester will be incredibly hard too, I think I'll be taking 16 or 17 hours next semester. There is just so much to do in such little time. I remember when days dragged on in high school, but here everyday just zips right on by. There's just not enough time in a day to get everything done, and it is all about time management, I know. It is just hard to be able to do it. I haven't really gotten the hang of it, and it may take some trial-and-error, but I just hope to figure it out fast, so I do not feel so disorganized and lost.
Okay, back to what I was saying about feeling just completely down. I just feel like I am not a good person. I just don't even know what I am, but for the most part I just am not happy with myself. I had developed a bad drinking habit (which I am currently working on), I've slept around a bit, I can't hold a relationship, I have had a lack of sleep for the past two months, my money is almost gone and have no clue how to start a budget, my room is kind of a mess right now with no time to reorganize and do everything, and I have been trying my best to keep up with my physical and mental health, but it just gets difficult to do. I do admit, on a brighter note, today was one gorgeous day that raised my spirits. It was about 68 degrees all day, with a cool breeze, and clear blue sunny skies, and the leaves changing. It was like a scene from a movie, I loved it, for a second I could actually breathe. I think that's what I just need to do is breathe start with small things. Now it's just doing it.
Any advice from anyone would be fantastic and much appreciated. Sorry I haven't blogged in so long, I just haven't been able to organize my thoughts, and find much time to do it. Looking forward to some of your feedback!
-Tim-
Monday, July 13, 2009
passion for life
I am sitting here in my living room. Just wondering about life. I saw "My Sister's Keeper" and I have to say it made me cry my eyes out. It's ironic how the dying are the ones who know how to live. I also just found this band called "Boyce Avenue." The lead singer is very very hot, and his voice captured my heart. Anywho, just wanted to throw that out there. Check them out on youtube. Back to living. What does it take to realize that one has to live with passion. I have plenty of passion, but I want to know how to apply it to living. I want to live with so much heart. I want to live facing my fears, and moving forward. Live how someone is supposed to, where you live for love, and beauty.
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